Maybe it was the wrong color plate. Maybe it was frustration with learning a new task. Maybe it was time to leave that super fun playdate. Maybe it was from being hungry, thirsty, or tired. All you recall is that what seemed like a peaceful, relaxed moment suddenly turned into a colossal meltdown. As your child loudly expressed his/her strong emotions, you could feel something brewing within you too. The sudden change of emotions over something that seemed relatively insignificant to you left you stunned, and perhaps you weren't sure how to work through it.

We understand, and we want to offer you a plan for the next time.

Start with yourself: Helping our children starts with helping ourselves. Even the most patient parents will sometimes feel triggered by their child's intense emotions, and our children are acutely in tune with our feelings towards their reactions regardless of how calm a parent is trying to appear. Therefore, the most important first step in helping children in those high emotion moments is for parents to find their own center. Make sure your child is safe, and then take a few minutes to calm yourself by deep breathing, repeating a mantra, or getting fresh air outside. Just bringing yourself back to center can filter down to your child and help bring a sense of calm in everyone.
Connection: Once you feel calm it is important to connect with your child. These big emotions are scary and overwhelming for children, and connecting with a loving parent or other caregiver is another essential tool in helping children re-center and calm. This connection could be something as simple as a hug, a gentle back rub, a soothing, "I'm here, and you are safe." In times of high emotion the logical part of the brain takes a backseat to the reactive part of the brain, so it is important to help a child calm before trying to work through/"talk through" the situation.
Empathize and Identify Emotions: As Daniel Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD say, "engage don't enrage." Once your child has calmed enough to hear what you are saying and is open to communicating with you, ask questions, request alternatives, help them tell you their story about what is upsetting them so that they can learn to name their emotions, and figure out ways to "calm" it when necessary. Emotional intelligence starts with being able to identify what we are feeling, which is what makes this step essential.
Review and Plan: When the situation has passed, and your child is back in a calm state is the best time to review what happened. At this point it is helpful to delve deeper with your child about the feelings that came up during the intense situation, reminding them that all emotions are valid and part of being human. The key is to help your child connect what s/he was feeling emotionally with what s/he was feeling in his/her body. Another helpful tool after assisting your child in labeling his/her emotions is to encourage your child to write about or draw depictions of their triggers (events/things that make them happy, sad, angry, nervous, scared, etc.) in a special "emotions book." If a child (or adult) has the self-awareness to know some things that trigger unpleasant feelings or intense reactions in them, they are more likely to be able to use the tools to prevent the high emotions when those triggers arise. Last, follow with teaching your child strategies to calm their body/mind when feeling stress, anger, or anxiety. (Click here to get our Quick Tip Sheet of calming activities.)
Practice, Practice, Practice: Practice makes progress. These tools are all wonderful to use during triggering or upsetting events, and their effectiveness increases dramatically if they are familiar. Be sure to practice calming techniques with your child regularly. Help your child label all emotions, even in happy times. Ask your child questions about what s/he is feeling in his/her body when feeling happy or calm. Encourage your child to journal regularly about life in general (for young children this could mean drawing pictures in a journal). Be sure to label your own feelings. Make talking about emotions part of your family's daily routine.

These techniques can be incredibly helpful for all children. But, what if it seems that your child is having these moments more than you think they should? What if helping them get back to center is much harder than it seems it should be? There could be some underlying unintegrated reflexes contributing to the behaviors, and we are here to help with that. If you would like to schedule a free phone consultation to learn more about how we work with individual families using reflex integration, mindfulness, and emotional regulation training, then you can request that here.

We hope these techniques can help you and your children work through life's upcoming ups and downs with greater peace and ease.

Mindful communication matters and it starts with you!