It was warm, lazy summer afternoon. Dad and mom were sitting on the outdoor swing while my sister and I were eagerly awaiting the sun to dip below the horizon and the fireflies to speckle the sky with their glowing bodies.
AAAANNNDDD...then it was almost fall and back-to-school time. Suddenly, those lazy, peaceful days were transforming into harried days full of planning and structure. Routines were once again on the horizon as we awaited rushed and chaotic mornings.
Back-to-school time can be bittersweet for many people. While routines can help children know what to expect and create safe boundaries, they can also bring more stringent expectations and added stress, particularly when paired with specific time requirements. Then, add in additional commitments like extracurricular activities, homework, and making lunches, and those relaxed summer days can become a distant memory quicker than we would like.
But, there is hope for it to play out differently.
First, let's consider why this shift from calm to chaos can happen and often quickly and predictably. Our daily actions are controlled by our thoughts and beliefs, and usually the thoughts and beliefs we aren't even aware that we have because they sit deep within our subconscious minds. We use those thoughts and beliefs to create the stories that play out in our lives. These situations are usually predictable because most of our thoughts and beliefs were established and reinforced early in our lives (usually the first 7 years), and they continuously dictate what we do everyday and in response to familiar situations. Sometimes the stories are created from new beliefs that came about from a specific event in our life or the beliefs that others have shared with us that we unknowingly absorbed. Either way, with openness and curiosity we can create new neural pathways in our brains to change the story to fit what we actually want.
While this change might sound daunting and out of reach, it is truly attainable with a few simple steps. Following are some tips and tricks that you can try to increase the peace in your family during this time (and really any stressful time).
1. Break the familiar pattern: The first step to creating something different is doing something different. Do anything different. Because so much comes from our subconscious mind, which in essence runs on auto-pilot, we can make more conscious choices by changing up our automatic habits. In the morning, if you usually get out of bed on the right side, switch to the left. Try brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand. Switch up the order of your morning routine. If your children normally head to you greet you in the morning, try finding them first with open arms. The more we stop ourselves when we notice that we are doing something habitually and change things up by deliberately choosing a new way to complete that task, the more we are weakening the deeply ingrained neural pathways. It is easy to start this with mundane tasks and then begin experimenting with emotional reactions as well.
2. Begin and end the day with gratitude: Make this a family activity. Each member of the family can start the day by sharing at least one thing they are grateful for and/or looking forward to during that upcoming day. Before seeing your children after school, think of at least one thing about them for which you feel grateful. Before bed is an ideal time to sit in gratitude. One idea is to have a journal next to your bed and to write 3-5 things that happened that day that gave you a sense of gratitude. You could just think about these things; however, writing them down helps your brain to develop a stronger habit of focusing on the positive and gives you the opportunity to go back and review the blessings in your life. If your children are not keen on participating in this initially, then make it a habit first for yourself. It is amazing how children tend to emulate what they see.
3. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness simply means being present to what is without judgment. Being mindful involves acceptance...acceptance of all emotions, all situations, and all reactions. Practicing mindfulness helps us to develop the skill of stopping, acknowledging where we are and what is occurring, and then responding with intention to a situation instead of reacting out of habit. Because it is the most visceral experience, it is often helpful to start with a mindful body. Begin by focusing on one part of your body. Maybe you sense how your feet feel touching the ground. Or maybe you put your attention on what sensations you feel in your hand. The goal here is to shift your attention to a specific part of your body allowing that to become your anchor. Another potential anchor or focus point could be a sound. Allow yourself to acknowledge a specific sound in your environment and focus on this sound for a few seconds to a few minutes. Many people like to use mindful breathing. This allows us to shift our attention to our breathing. You can simply observe your breathing pattern without judgment and without changing it. Then play around with intentionally slowing your breathing, particularly prolonging the exhale. Practicing mindfulness during peaceful times helps you to strengthen this skill, thus making it more effective in more stressful times. Eventually, the goal is to stop and use one or all of these mindful techniques at times when you or your children are feeling triggered.
4. Bring back playfulness: Somewhere between the innocence of childhood and the demands of adulthood, many of us lost our sense of playfulness. Again, this is likely related to the stories that played out around us as we matured. Perhaps when you were a child you saw your own parents take things very seriously. Maybe at school you heard teachers say things like, "pay attention," "stay focused on your work," or "now is not the time to play around." Hearing messages like these repeatedly in childhood help to shape our subconscious beliefs about play, which can cause us (unintentionally) to minimize the importance of having fun and instead believe life is meant to be lived with "all work and no play." With the daily grind of getting out of the house on time in the morning, helping children stay focused through homework, shuffling various family members around to different activities, preparing meals, and more it is easy to let play take a backseat to seriousness. Yet, it is possible to add play to these moments, and it can be a powerful tool for connection and cooperation with your child. Some ideas for incorporating playfulness into your daily routine include waking up your child in the morning wearing a pair of pants on your head, making funny faces in the mirror when brushing your teeth together, having a conversation using only silly voices; the possibilities are endless.
Something to consider as you try to incorporate these ideas into your family's life is that they can all occur simultaneously. One of my most memorable parenting moments happened one evening when I was trying to coax my six year-old to take a shower. I had already turned on the water for her and told her it was time to get in the shower. She disagreed. My typical reaction would be to continue to ask, then allow my frustration with her not listening and my wanting to move on with the evening start to bubble up and eventually overflow. However, something came over me, and I had the opportunity to write a different story. I mindfully paused, acknowledged how I was feeling, consciously decided that I wanted to be playful and feel joy, and I intentionally did something very different from my typical habit. I calmly said, "ok, then I am going to shower," and proceeded to step into her shower (with the water running) fully clothed. Yes, my clothes got soaked, which was a very small price to pay for the connection and laughter we were able to share in that moment. And my gratitude for that experience, that connection with my daughter, will live on within me forever.
So the next time you find yourself feeling overwhelmed with all the to-do's, take a moment just to be and then create a new "Once Upon a Time" for your family.
