I wrote this blog post almost three years ago, and somehow missed publishing it at the time. Yet, I realize that was exactly what was meant to happen because I needed to stumble back upon these words at this precise moment in my parenting journey. I hope it brings some of you the peace that I feel when I read it.
This week I had the honor of being invited to a gathering of new mothers. As I sat among these strong, resilient women and their sweet babies, I was taken back over 11 years (my oldest child is now 14) when I first embarked on my own parenting journey. The goal for my visit with this group was to share my expertise as a professional who works with children, yet, I yearned to participate as a parent. I wanted to put my professional hat on a hook for a bit and sit with an open heart, engaged ears, and words of encouragement. Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE sharing what I do professionally, giving parents knowledge that can empower them when developmental challenges may be a concern. However, there is so much more wisdom to share with new parents, and sitting among these mothers reminded me of that.
Because time is such a valuable resource for both parents and professionals, I had limited opportunity to share all that I wanted to say at that gathering. Thus, this blog post was born. Yes, we will get to what I want to tell new parents about their child’s development, but I want to start with even more pressing matters first. Maybe I am doing this for those amazing moms I met. Maybe I am doing it for the other parents who may read this. Or maybe I am doing it for the younger version of myself who wishes she had not only heard this before (because people had tried to tell me most of what I will say), but also really listened to it. If these words can resonate with at least one new parent, then this is worth every moment it takes to write.
So, here goes…my list of what I wish I knew and UNDERSTOOD as a new mother, mostly in order of importance:
You are an expert. This can be so hard to believe, to internalize, yet it couldn’t be more true. However you believe it happened, it wasn’t by chance. You and your child were brought together on purpose. You are the perfect parent for your child. With all the “experts” doling out advice daily, in books, online, in the grocery store checkout, it can be easy to think you are doing it wrong, but none of them is the expert on YOUR child. Yes, we will all need help at times, and we will all benefit from the expertise and wisdom from other parents and professionals. Yet, your own intuition is the best guide for determining whether what others share with you is truly the best advice or input for your own child. If you do nothing else, spend some time discovering, reconnecting, or honoring your inner guidance.
This too shall pass. Cliche, right? Here’s another cliche for you that definitely describes parenting: “the only constant is change.” If I got a penny for every time I thought what I was experiencing as a parent was the most difficult challenge I would encounter…you know the rest. While I do remember some of those moments, the intensity of the emotion that I felt (whether it was fear, anger, exhaustion, doubt, etc.) is a distant memory. When in the throes of the curve balls that are inevitable in parenting it seems like the world may be crashing down and things will never get better. Except, then they do, and it is often smooth sailing until the next storm hits. (One caveat with this sentiment…I do believe the body can store intense emotions, and they can show up in behaviors in the future. So, please be sure to honor what your body and mind are telling you and reach out for the appropriate professional support to help you through the ups and downs of life if needed. Our mental health is just as important as any other aspect of our wellbeing and should be seen as such.)
There is perfection in the imperfection. I wish I could say that I really get this one, but I think I am including this here so that I too can see it in writing. My mind knows the importance of accepting ourselves as humans and the intentional imperfection that comes along with that. Yet, I still have a lot of work to do on believing this truth for myself. And, right here I am going to take the first step in accepting my imperfection of expecting too much from myself as a parent. Our own mental wellbeing depends on our knowing that we are worthy of love because of our imperfections, because of the our mistakes. Our children’s wellbeing depends on this too. You see, children are sponges. They live what they see, and accepting and loving ourselves unconditionally gives them the permission to do the same for themselves. You are enough, you are more than enough, you are the perfectly imperfect parent that your child needs.
It really does take a village. We are human, and we are hardwired for connection. So often we believe that we are supposed to go at it alone. We believe that raising a child, maintaining a household, working outside the home, finding time to rest, shower, eat, and doing it without help or support is normal. But, it’s not. Doing all of that, and trying to do it all with a smile and appreciation for your new role as a parent is superhuman, and we are not meant to be superhuman. We are meant to live in community. We are meant to reach out for support when needed and provide support when we feel a surplus. Seek out your village. Trust in the power of community. Know that your village may change over time. And believe that all of this is how it is supposed to be.
This list is in no way exhaustive, and if I sat here long enough I could probably come up with 100+ more things to include. Stay tuned for part two of this post where I share my perspective from the professional realm. In the meantime, know that you’ve got this and all the crazy ups and downs that it brings.
With much love,
Jamie
